Post by Eliza Valentine on Apr 19, 2016 2:34:26 GMT
Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you won't tell what I said
'Cause two can keep a secret if one of them is dead
"Why am I here?" I shrugged slightly, twisting the little napkin the waitress had set down with my drink between my fingertips.
"Why are any of us here?" I sighed and Austin slammed a hand down on the table, most would see aggression, but I understood the frustration.... The hurt....
"Don't." he tried to snarl but his voice broke, I glanced up at his flushed face and a pinch of guilt tightened around my heart... "You never loved me, did you?"
"I don't remember...." I sigh again, another shrug... I'm not being evasive, I truly don't; there is a lot about that time I don't remember.
"You don't remember?!" he tried to level his voice... "What about all the nights I held you whilst you screamed? Or the hours and hours in hospitals just waiting for you to speak? Or how you begged me to stay? Do you remember that?!"
I swallowed hard, I knew I should lie; that I should tell him I remembered all of it, that it had mattered, that our time together had impacted and changed me... But if I had ever loved him, if I had ever needed him like so many remembered me to have; I owed him honesty... Finally.
"No." I shook my head and whispered... "I don't."
He just stared at me for a very long time.
"I remember Eternity. I remember her being everything and all, I remember knowing it was a lie, wanting to be free of it and I remember what pulled me through....." I look slowly up at Austin with an apology in my eyes; "I remember Kayla. I remember her voice leading me, I remember her heart beating beside mine.... I remember love Austin... But not you...." I sigh now and pull away from the table....
"It was never you."
Why do you smile like you've been told a secret?
Now you're telling lies 'cause you have sworn to keep it
But no one keeps a secret
No one keeps a secret
I traced the lines in her palm with my fingertip, watching as little lines of goosebumps raised on her skin... Hairs standing up like electricity coursing through her veins. She smiled at me, her hair spread about her head like a chocolate coloured halo. Her bright green eyes shimmering and reflecting the light as her porcelain like skin almost shone in the same warm light....
"Don't go..." she sighs, stretching out on the soft cotton sheets with a pout to her luscious pink lips...
"Kay... I have to...." she pouts a little more now and I laugh, stroking the line of her jaw for a moment; "I'd love to lie here with you all day...." and I would, truly, but I made a promise and it's one I intend to keep....
"You're going to see him... Aren't you." she bites on her bottom lip, fearful caution nagging at her and in that moment I want to kiss her and not leave her arms for even the briefest of seconds, but instead.
"I am... I have to...." she nods and sighs;
"I'm sorry-" she tries and I drop my finger to her lips, shaking my head this time as my finger is replaced by my lips and the sweet taste of the woman I love is all I can think of or feel for those long few blissful moments.
"Don't." I whisper my breath tangled with hers as I lean above her, one hand propping my head up by my cheek, the other traced circles on her abdomen lightly; I have a little while, before I have to leave and I don't want to waste it with sorries and what ifs....
"I am doing this for both of us..." and I am, because sooner or later - Ana is going to find out and when she does, when she finally admits that everything between us is because of Kayla, because we simply cannot, no matter how hard we try, stay away from each other... I don't want anyone else around who can possibly take her side, who can hate us, blame us....
I want to be free of all judgment before I face my almighty - Kayla doesn't understand, because Amber has always and will always love her; will always support her... I have never known that unconditional love and care; even Kayla, in the darkest of moments, turned from me at a push out the door... These are the dark thoughts that swarm me at night when she slumbers so softly...
These are the things that claw at my soul when I am afraid to close my eyes and see the laughing face of a messiah tormentor... The nights when I can still feel her there, in the back of my mind, willing to be nothing more than a puppet, it is in those moments when I remember what it is like to be truly alone....
"Hey...." Kayla whispers, cupping my cheek and staring up into my eyes
"Where'd you go?" I laugh and shrug, shoving her concern to the side as I turn my face and kiss the heel of her palm.
"I'm right here..." I laugh...
And somewhere, deep down in the recess of my soul.... So does she.
Why when do our darkest deeds do we tell?
They burn in our brains, become a living hell
'Cause everybody tells
Everybody tells
Well, isn't it just Christmas and your Birthdays all at once?
Trixie the neutered air head and Crystal 'I forgot my place again' Millar. Up against the big bad Eliza Valentine; except, well I am not the one running around stepping on toes... In fact, what do you really know about my place here? What possible idea could you have about who I am?
Allow me to refresh Crystal's wartorn memory and school Trixie a little; I am the voice, I stand up and scream for the forgotten and the lost, I am not a Jones, I was not born into this, there is no formal training or fallback movie career... No, all that I am is piss and vinegar and a will to survive, a will to do better than any of those who came before me... This week, the odds may be against me, but I was born fighting the odds....
For a long time, I did not exist, I was shadows in the sides of peoples eyes and now, I stand here, ready and willing to fight and yet, I am held back... Down... I am told no, I am told wait - whilst you two waste your chances and opportunities I am forced to hold the curtain and watch dated neon freaks and beauty queens trip over each other and call it a wrestling match!
I have fought, I have bled, I have sweat and given fragments of my life to this sport, Wrestling is simply who I am, I was born without privileged, I was born without knowledge and yet it flows through me, there is not blood in my veins but suplexes and upper cuts... I am not another female looking to book matches and pout for the cameras, I care not to be cheered or booed, I am not the one who will sell merch and cereal in commercials for a few extra cents...
I am the one who stand and fights. I am the one who screams out for those who are hidden away, I bring them from the shadows with me and it is for their pain, their rejection and not just mine that I fight for.... And who are you? Either of you.
Dust on the footnotes of someone else's career; a speed bump, not even a road block to those of us who are truly destined for greatness you cannot begin to fathom!
So sure, you might think you have it made this week, two on one,a handicap match; but really - you are empty; empty heads and empty vessels, the dank, vapid pass around used and thrown away, never to make a mark, never to matter - you are everything that is wrong with this business and this week, I open my arms and welcome the chance to destroy you both and then, Crystal - after I tear you apart piece by piece....
I will take my rightful place at Uprising - I will take your shot and I will make it matter, make it count.
Tuesday night, just like every other night, I will walk out the victor and you two, will be left alone in the ring, streaks of blood and wasted dreams - worthless, as you have always been.
I have something I want to tell you but you have to promise never to tell anyone.
I promise.
Do you swear on your life?
I swear on my life.
Harley thrust a small plastic teacup in my face with some force, her little face screwed up in annoyance that I clearly had not been playing tea parties correctly.
"Tea." she demanded simply, I laughed and Harley shook her head.
"Bad Liza! TEA!" she shook the cup again and I took it placing it to my lips and making a loud slurping sound.
"Mmmm, lovely!" I emphasized nodding my head emphatically; she looked pleased now as she tottered off around the table to force a similar cup into one of her dolls faces.
"She may not be three yet, but she's certainly the boss around here...." Ana laughs from the doorway and I turn to look up at her.
"Apparently." I huff, keeping my answers short... Ana walks across the room and leans down, whispering something in her daughters ear; jealousy twinges inside me... More than a twinge if I am honest, a vice like grip around my heart that suffocates any goodness inside of me; because watching the only woman I have ever seen as a mother figure, truly be one to someone else; even my not-quite three year old cousin - makes bitterness bubble like bile in my throat.
Harley runs out of the room and off down the hall, her little feet pounding against the hardwood floor as they echoes grow further and further away.....
"You're angry with me...." Ana nods, lowering herself into one of the little wooden chairs surrounding the tea party set up.
"Duh." I spit, rolling my eyes.
"I know you don't understand yet... You're young and green, you don't know how this all works, how important appearances are...." I laugh and roll my eyes again, I am tired of the lectures.... "I love you Eliza, from the moment I found out who you were, I knew I had a duty to you - but I never expected to be so thoroughly changed by you..." my heart softens, a little prematurely... "But that being said...." I cross my arms over my chest "When it comes to VWS, the business comes first - and you running around making statements and putting your hands on our girls? It has to stop."
I push the little wooden chair back, leaping to my feet.
"You want to talk about what's best for VWS? Crystal... Little Miss 'Barely shows up' gets a fucking title shot and meanwhile we are THREE weeks in and I finally get my first booking.... How is THAT about the business?" Ana opens her mouth to argue but I hold up a hand... "Save it. You're holding me back - and you're holding... Others back. And your reasons have NOTHING to do with business sense."
She nods, accepting the truth at my words, but offers no words to change her position.
"You're so much like your mother...." I want to scream, to slap her, to rip out my hair and the walls away from her world, but I don't... I do nothing....
"And you, are so much like your father."
Look into my eyes, now you're getting sleepy
Are you hypnotized by secrets that you're keeping?
I know what you're keeping
.
.